if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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