Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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