Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
