I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I need to stop coming to work sober
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
