Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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