I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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