New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize