saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
