just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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