i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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