my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
how drunk are you?
Several
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
