it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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