Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
