I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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