Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the condom got lost in my hair
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
