PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
