her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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