I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
