The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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