Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
