so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize