So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
