2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
