What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
