ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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