She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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