i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
