I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
