no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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