You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
