did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
