in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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