i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
