They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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