lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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