Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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