she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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