HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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