Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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