Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
