they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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