Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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