i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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