I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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