did you get engaged???
Someone shit on the floor
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
