so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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