you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
