and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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