2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
