every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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