How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
