I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
