dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
