dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
