Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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