I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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