tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
